Happiness isn‘t the main goal in life. It is fleeting. Valuable, essential but fleeting. Apparently.
Mindfulness and finding purpose is what could lead us to absolution in the end. That‘s what the trend seems to be anyway.

And I don‘t disagree at all, it does make perfect sense and it is a theory I can identify with.


Finding purpose has proven to be an extreme stressor in my life. Well, obviously the key to fulfillment  isn‘t going to be just lying around - that would be too easy. Still, I would have hoped to be closer to an answer by now. I wish that I could give my 16 year old self a somewhat more sufficient answer to the question I already posed in my diary over 5 years ago: What am I supposed to do with my life?
Instead of an answer I only have doubt, feel like I have taken a wrong turn but not sure because I don‘t know what the alternative route is.

Probably I am greedy in expecting that at 21 I could know where my purpose lies. It is just very hard witnessing teenagers launch start ups and lead organisations that seem so much more meaningful than anything I have ever done.


However, on the bright side: I have come to realise that my purpose isn‘t going to come and find me whilst I‘m in bed wondering what my purpose is.
And that is a good place to start.


Stop chasing the next best thing. 
Take time to cherish what you already have and you'll be surprised by the joy it brings you. 

True happiness comes from gratefulness, when you become aware of the value of the people and things surrounding you. When you feel something can't just be replaced, that the absence of something could cause such a disruption at heart it would take your breath away. Then happiness will consume you at the realisation that this thing, person, moment is yours. 

Hold on to that feeling and don't let it go for the glimpse of more. 

Mass Creation

I just want to make something.
Create something.
To do this thing and look back on it and see something that wasn't there before.

It is a force that drives me but lately it's only been driving me against a wall. A big fat concrete wall.

Thousands of sounds, images and words are unleashed to the public every second every day. When the whole world turns into a microphone it seems as though everything has been said. Not many of these thousands of sounds, images and words are new. Barely any. If that is the case, if the only thing we could perhaps contribute is the form of a message that has been conveyed in abundance, why do we bother? What is it that causes us to keep creating? The tiny hope of finding the needle in the haysack? Or simply to urge to compete with the noise?

Because noise is all I hear lately. Mass-creation, born out of opportunity, thriving on social and economic greed. I admit I am naive and idealistic while also not being a bit better than anyone else out there. The feeling of dissatisfaction despite abundance leaves me hollow. Like feeding on pounds of plain rice when all you wanted was a single sweet berry.

Being swamped by feeds of creations that I acknowledge with the flick of a finger has drained me of belief in originality. Especially my own. I can't create for I can't stand knowing that somebody has already done that thing, most likely even better.
There is only one thought that is worse: To stop trying. Because I know that there are treasures buried and ideas wandering through the night waiting to be found. Ideas that are young and fresh, ideas that will change everything. And shouldn't that alone be worth creating? And even if I will never be the person to discover them, I should be damned if I gave up on everything else I can learn from trying.

Let this mark the beginning of making an effort for the sake of myself and my creativity.

When Excited Ponies Go Casual

The combination of being young and the times we live in creates the perfect breeding ground for being casual. Not only romantically but in most aspects we find ourselves floating around - may that be in geographical or just general “figuring out life” terms. The world has become smaller but has simultaneously grown in our perception causing us to be on high alert for opportunities that might arise, tapping around like excited ponies. 

When our lifestyles change - why shouldn’t our relationships? Well, of course they have already, but don’t we still sometimes feel that what we’re doing isn’t the “proper” way of doing things? Don’t we sometimes think that we should be having epic country song worthy romances and ride off into the sunset instead of scheduling dates in our iCal? 
I believe we shouldn’t be ashamed or apologetic about the way we date. There’s no need for you to hide the dating apps on the last page of your “Travel” folder on your phone. There’s no need to make up excuses for missing board games night with colleagues again because you’ve got your second date this week. 

Although the problem with excited ponies is that their attention span is very short because half of their brains are occupied with wondering if this is the best they can do. This of course expresses itself in their dating habits such as arranging multiple dates because they know other’s are as flakey - sorry busy - as they are and so they have back-up. Others take casual way too literally and don’t make an effort at all or just ghost you.

What may occur with casual dating is the same sad phenomenon you endure after eating too much candy: it’s not as good as it was in the beginning and your tastebuds go numb. As casual as you think you are you probably still value human connections and personalities and not just their willing genitalia. An overdose of getting to know so many people may make you indifferent to their specialness (or - alternate version - more sensitive about the bullshit you have to put up with). 

I don’t think casual dating quite earned the bad reputation it has (well a bit of it but humans will be humans and all). Apart from the obvious perk of plenty of sex casual dating will also give you that much needed reality check - especially if you grew up watching all the chick flicks. Dates and sex with people you don’t know that well are prone to be less sexy/romantic and more awkward than Hollywood makes it out to be but - and here comes the most important advantage of dating - it doesn’t matter. Most likely you don’t care too much about these people which means that gives you a type of freedom you perhaps won’t have with someone you have feelings for. This is the ultimate gift because you can stop worrying about how you look (or if we’re being honest here: how they think you look) this is your time to put yourself first and to quit playing games (or start playing games, if you can be a dick it’s to someone who cares as little about you as you do about them - just kidding, be nice, kids). 

The great thing about dating apps for example is that you meet people who have no connection to your established life, meaning you get to know them (and vice versa) without hindering context such as friends or work. This  gives you the opportunity to find out what kind of people - and what about them - you actually like. Maybe you have a type you never knew about or realise you’re really into people who can cook. I’ve had quite a few Heureka moments while dating and I am positive it will one day help you find a very suitable long-term partner. As a bonus you could happen to have great conversations that spark new interests in you even if your date turns out to be absolutely not your thing. 

I’m definitely not saying that casual dating is for everyone. It can sometimes require endurance, patience and being able to distinguish sex and love. And if you’ve already found your dream human at age nineteen then I am not the one to say you should break up and live a hippie lifestyle. But neither should we frown on those who empower themselves to have a good time that fits into their current life.  

Essentially you just need to know when to move on, hold on or get some. 


We climb up on rooftops and chimneys and steeples 
Let our childlike hearts collide with the wind 
And dance with the moon 
Above a city drenched in sorrow 
We watch and try to feel 
What these ant-like people feel 
With their saddened eyes
And woeful minds 

However we may try 
We are too far removed 
From the floods of pain rushing through their streets 
To sense anything but ecstasy in our heights 
So we carry on
 Twirl but never fall 
On rooftops through the night


I fall in love with places with strangers 
then friends

Making a home for myself is a thing I can do
It's easy when you have no roots to burry yourself in new soil and stick

And you'd think that because I have no roots it doesn't hurt when life drags you out of the earth that is still fresh around you
You'd think it'd be seamless smooth alright and quick when the body won't put up a fight

But the mind it yearns and weeps
And the heart it's heavy
It feels so much
Does it feel too much
This unprotected heart
This naive pump
Growing roots of it's own

Making connections so deep and scarlet red
Like lifelines it throws out to these new places and strangers 
then friends

The mind it knows it should protect this whimsy heart on a sleeve
Should say don't give it all hold back and wait
But the heart is not half hearted
It's in and full and deep and ready to place new roots

In moist soil

Tell Me a Story

With all the things 2016 has brought and with all the sad tweets and posts and general down-ness of the world I have been thinking a lot about how to make things better. It would be very idealistic and naive to think that a single action could change everything but then again you need to start somewhere. 

So when the promo and the much anticipated release of the Gilmore Girls Revival came around and made the internet leap with joy it struck me: 


Since as long as we can remember stories have captivated, have offered sanctuary, proposed guidance and have been understanding. They have been refections, warnings, accounts of hopes and dreams. I believe that storytelling is one of the most useful tools humans have.

The other day I read a quote somewhere saying “No sentence is more powerful than ‘Me too’” which underlines that stories have such a huge effect on us. People who condescendingly say “come on, it’s just a story” when you have a strong reaction to a book, movie or even a tv spot have clearly never been told a good story. 

Now it’s that time of the year again when the big Christmas campaigns which are totally unrelated to products or even the idea of consumption flicker across our screens again. These stories that sometimes make us tear up and keep us from clicking the “Skip Ad” box feign goodwill and create a good image for cooperations - they work. Someone sat down and asked themselves how to create something that will push a button, flick a switch in us. It’s almost cruel how calculated it is. 

So how about we use stories to create change. Let’s create stories to inspire to world to become a better place, stories that will fight our battles. 

Hard-hitting issues like sexism, racism, discrimination, global warming etcetera will never cease to be an issue if we simply rely on governments and legislation to take care of them. If nobody believes in it, it won’t happen. And how do you make people believe? You show them a better way. 

Our world is oversaturated with numbers, data and empty words. Facts barely carry weight these days when trying to grab peoples’ attention. 
We hear about hundreds of people dying, thousand of square kilometres of forest being destroyed, a hundred thousand women being raped but we don’t care because these numbers we see everyday are empty, one dimensional without relation to ourselves. Our brains don’t have the time to put them into proportion, to make them real. 
So we need to take our values and meanings into stories that will make people say the magical words of “me too”. 

You might think there are many books, songs and movies out there dealing with real problems and that is true but one thing that really annoys me is when they are being made into strongly romanticised versions of reality. Instead of producing endless movies in which sick people (who are being played by able-bodied actors) go on fun road trips how about having protagonists who happen to be disabled. Or protagonists who just happen to be gay instead of creating dramatic coming-out stories. How about instead of tales where humans have to survive on the shadow of a planet they destroyed we create stories in which humans are pro active about the environment. 

To make a real impact with a story we need to incorporate the way in which we would like the world to change into the story. 

Make it part of a story, like you wish for it to be a part of life. 

What is your opinion on this? Do you think stories matter?

Actually, I thought I was fine

When a tsunami of emotion hits
The fleeting heart first one by one
Then all at once
First flying over like a skipping stone
Then drowning with salty tears pooling over
Then skipping then drowning then skipping
Until in a state of whiplash everything becomes so loud

And I wonder
Is this normal
Is this okay
Is this alright to be consumed by a single  emotion
That it causes such insane commotion
When actually, I thought I was fine

But my innermost forgot how to do moderation
Wants all at once but nothing at all

The extremes keep me buzzing
Excitement makes my skin itch
And I scratch until I bleed
Happiness illuminates my vision
In cinematic romantic bloom
Until with a single thought
Sadness makes me heavy
A rope tied to my insides ripping them out
And leaving me empty

And I wonder
Is this normal
Is this okay
Is this alright to be consumed by a single  emotion
That is causes such insane commotion
When actually, I thought I was fine

Midweek Recommendations #5

Tessa Violet - Halloway EP

I've been a fan of Tessa for a long time now and truly enjoyed her last album but Halloway is just on a completely different level. The lyrics manage to be poetic but raw and relatable while the melodies set such a wonderful tone throughout this incredible EP.

The very sad truth about goodbyes is that your lips are often the last to know it. See the first goodbye is uttered between 3am bodies, restless in the night, slowly inching apart towards opposite ends of the mattress and your hands never touch – and rather than awakening to find your sleep-covered eyes locked with your lover’s gaze as you always have, you will instead find yourself staring up at ceilings or into crooked shoulder blades with edges crueler than a cliff face. The second comes in those rare moments you now spend alone. Where conversations without ends once flourished fewer words are now spoken– with points sharper than spearheads and phrasing blunter than cement bricks. Searching for words which once came easy will become excruciating and the silence will slowly sour your hearts. There is now no turning back. The third goodbye will appear in those nights out apart, each shaking and strobe light-licked body will become a what-if, and you will hold the stare of a stranger for just a second longer than you should, and even the emptiest of promises will cause your skin to sweat. You will kiss the love out through your mouth and call it a mistake. You will fuck the hurt out of your skin and call it nothing because it is. The morning after you will return to him, and your conscious will hold inside it more guilt than the verdict of an open and shut murder trial. You will ask him to sit and the trembling in your hands will speak the fourth goodbye while your eyes scream the fifth and the ums and ahs will spit the sixth, the seventh, eighth and ninth. And you will find that when your lips at last whisper goodbye it will not pain you like it should, because your heart will have spoken it many times before, it was simply misunderstood. #words @beautaplin #art @joelsossa
A photo posted by Thought Catalog (@thoughtcatalog) on

The Thought Catalog Instagram

I enjoy clicking myself through the Thought Catalog website for inspiration and general life advice which always feels like it's been written just for you. BUT. Their instagram feed, especially the captions on their posts, really, really get to me. The photography style is just what my November melancholic heart desires and the little stories, fragments, thoughts they add make me stop in this frenzy of swiping and double-tapping.

Super Supportive Blogging Friends 

I can sing the praise of these ladies loud enough. They have made me smile so so much with their positivity and support and just general amazingness. I have been following Ksenia's and Lauren's blogs for a while now and have fallen in love with their words of wisdom and kindness.
The Life Degree by Ksenia focuses a lot on enjoying life everyday with little things like being grateful, kind and dealing with mistakes (here's one of my favourite posts). Also she is just a brilliant writer.
This Stuff Is Golden is just one of the best blog names ever and the honest way Lauren writes about mental health and so many posts have really resonated with me and have sparked more thoughts (for example this quirky post).
A huge thank you to these two along with so many other kind internet faces *throws kisses and glitter into the air and dances*

Bagels with avocado and fried egg

This is probably the number 1 reason why I get out of bed in the morning. Breakfast, for me, is the single most important meal of the day, so it needs to be a good one and a crunchy whole-wheat bagel with a perfectly smooth avocado and an over easy egg definitely makes me feel like I can conquer the world.


It's been on my to do list for a long time and I've only just started but it already fills me with inspiration. Especially modern poetry, with it's raw tones and spine-shivering messages seems like a gift that keeps on giving. At a poetry slam last month which was such a fantastic experience I bought the pamphlet of Deborah Emmanuel, a spoken word poet from Singapur after she completely captured me with not only what but how she spoke. I have now also added the famous "Milk and Honey" by Rupi Kaur to the mix. If you have any recommendations for poetry collections or even poetry bloggers please let me know!

Sad Little Butterflies

Quick strokes, flaps
Soft touch, a tingling sensation
Fast and faster still
A thousand little racing hearts
Exuding excitement
Radiating irrational emotions 
Hysteric laughs
In energetic waves
They are alive and happy now
Unassuming in a bubble
Broken free, disorientated
Just for the moment

Suddenly something turns
A fact, a feeling, a circumstance
Makes them stop mid air
Frozen in shock
Paralysed by the burst of illusion

Quick flaps become slow strokes
Not buzzing but trembling
In downward motions
A thousand little heavy hearts
Weighed down by reality
Every stroke of delicate wings
Like coming up for air in vacuum
A different kind of restlessness

You can't help but laugh in bitterness
Before you shed tears in mourning
For these creatures you wanted to nourish
You wanted to raise, wanted to fly

The pain it strikes when you realize
Nothing makes you feel alive
Like sad little butterflies
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